They are poisoning my food. I know because I am constipated . . . and I am NEVER constipated. I never have stomach problems. It just doesn’t happen.
But now all of a sudden, my system is out of whack. Did they think I wouldn’t notice? And what is the reason for this? Is this some spiteful show of strength? . . .that the government can control everything?. . even my food supply. What assholes.
I’ll show them.
As I nervously meander up and down the grocery store isles, I pick up everything I usually wouldn’t eat. I know they know all my habits and my preferences. And I know they have tainted everything in advance of my arrival. They have been studying me as I shop for as long as I have been alive. I know all of my usual items are infected just in time for my regularly scheduled grocery shopping trip.
But this will be relatively easy . . . just watch me outsmart them as they follow along with their hidden cameras.
- My regular olive oil? . . . nope! today I’m picking up an obscure garlic-infused variety
- My refrigerated blue cheese salad dressing? . . .sorry! today it’s an organic italian blend – no refrigeration needed
- A container of spring blend salad medley? . . . .nope! today I’m going for the head of arugula
- Picking up a pack of my cage-free eggs? . . . ha ha! I skip eggs entirely. Instead, I grab a random bag of potato chips I have no interest in . . . I’m simply including it just to fuck with their heads
I continue with this method of selection for several more items. Swapping out my regular list for random products of which I am completely unfamiliar, I am left with only one more item before my shopping is done . . . a bag of ice.
I get home and search the basement to find the two tools needed to complete my strategy in undermining the government’s efforts from contaminating my food. I find what I need is in just the places I knew to look. The duct tape sat dutifully in the toolbox. And the six-pack sized Igloo resting alongside it’s larger cooler counterpart.
Back in the kitchen, I unpack my groceries and pour the ice in the cooler. I add all my new purchases and include a couple of cans of beans (the beans are canned so I’m pretty sure they haven’t been opened and corrupted)
Once my cooler is full, I grab the duct tape and relocate out to my car. Positioning the Igloo in my passenger seat, I begin to wrap duct tape around it, sealing all the edges. Finally, I duct tape it to the handle on the side of the door. If anyone tries to break into my cache of food, I will instantly see any evidence of tampering.
For the next few days, I go to my cooler, opening and resealing it every time I need to eat. My plan worked. And I guess the government was impressed with my ingenuity because the poisoning stopped entirely. I was never constipated again.