I was completely flooded with confusion and madness during the Fall of 2012. The psychosis kept me confined to my house and, most often, my bedroom. I did all I could to avoid the outside and becoming subject to a bombardment of messages, symbols, and lurking secret agents. To simplify discussions concerning my psychotic encounters, I assigned the related events a name. I called them, “Weirdness.”
Weirdness operated in high gear outside the house. 24 hours a day, the outside was rife with random lights blinking in code, secret messages appearing in the most obscure places, countless secret agents masquerading as regular townsfolk, music containing secret directives hidden in the lyrics . . absolutely everything in my field of view was affected. And I had evolved from suspecting that I was a dormant government agent to wholeheartedly believing it.
The self imposed isolation fortified my beliefs and the conspiracies began to grow in scope and complexity. My reinforced understanding of Weirdness instilled a confidence that propelled me to start confronting people. One by one, I confronted and demanded that my family and friends reveal their true identities as a secret agents. . . .my mom, my dad, my sister, my aunt, my boyfriend, my boyfriend’s kids. .everyone. And with each denial, I became more depressed, confused and frustrated.
Occasionally, I would retreat back into isolation to give myself a break in an attempt to relieve some of the stress by writing or drawing. The poem below was written during one of those times. It may come across as whimsical and light hearted. But make no mistake, there is much mistrust and unease at the conclusion of this poem.
The last verse drips with sarcasm. Suggesting that my experience is “all in my head” is a direct and snide reproach to all of the friends and family that refused to admit they were part of a secret society or underground government.
Never, at any moment, did I believe any of this was “all in my head.”